Pamela Luise Picard
Hukkunud 58. orbiidil
Massachusetts, Ameerika รhendriigid
veebruar 1964
Rapla maakond, Eesti
november 2022
Kiri minult, emalt, pojale Carlile ja maailmale, mille jรคtsin endast maha pรคrast hirmsat autoรตnnetust รผhel kaunil pรคrastlรตunal Eestis, kui olin Ameerikast kรผlas kรคimas.
Mitte รผhtegi tรคhte ega taevast imet ei anna suuruselt iialgi vรตrrelda sellega, kui vรคga ma sind armastan, mu poiss.
Mรคngides vรคikese tรผdrukuna Rhode Islandi rannikul, mรตtlesin sageli sellele, kuidas sina kord nendel randadel mรคngid. Vaadates, kuidas mu isa tuli koju tรถรถlt, kus ta tegeles Apollo kuumissioonidega, mรตlgutasin endamisi, millest hakkad sina kord unistama? Kallistades ema, kui ta koos mu teise isaga tuli tagasi maailmarรคnnakutelt, mรตtisklesin, kas sina hakkad ka kunagi reisima? Kui mina ja mu vend saime endale lisaks veel รผhe ema, kes kinkis meile kaks รตde, kujutasin ette ilusat perekonda, mis sinul saab รผhel pรคeval olema.
Ma elasin Ameerika eri paikades, kuid mitte รผkski koht ei tundunud koduna enne, kui hoidsin sรผles sind, sinu venda ja oma lapselapsi. Sa oled minu jaoks Number รks.
Kui sa tulid Ameerikast siia, Eestisse, tundsin, nagu oleks mu maailm katki rebitud, pooleks murtud. Kuid ma avastasin nii palju Eesti ilu sinu kaudu, mu tรคhtede uurija.
Me olime nii รตnnelikud. Olin teel โoma lapsukesteโ juurde. Vaatamata sellele, et pead oma lapsi, minu lapselapsi, enda lapsukesteks, on nad โ tegelikult โ ka MINU omad. Ma tulin sinu juurde tรคnupรผha tรคhistama. Vรตtsin puhkuse personaliosakonna juhi kohalt Virginia รlikoolis.
Seal aitasin ma tรถรถtajate vahetusprogrammide raames inimestel asuda tรถรถle Eestisse, mรตnedel puhkudel isegi Raplasse. Toetasin oma karjรครคri jooksul naisi ja ebasoodsamas olukorras olevaid inimesi, et nad jรตuaksid kaugemale nii Ameerikas kui ka mujal maailmas. Kuulusin ametialase arengu nรตukogudesse nii riigi kui ka osariigi tasandil. Kuid kรตige selle keskel nautisin ma kรตige rohkem vabatahtlikku tรถรถd, olgu siis Ukraina ja Afganistani pรตgenike vรตi loomade aitamist.
Sel aastal tegin Raplas tรคnupรผha รตhtusรถรถgiks oma legendaarset aedoa vormirooga ja kalkunitรคidist. Ajasin sind hulluks sellega, et tegin igast hetkest pilte. Seejรคrel kรคisime Pรคrnus kaunil kontserdil! Me olime jรตululaule kuulates koduteel, mina magasin ja nรคgin unes oma lapsukesi.
Vรคhem kui sekundiga meie maailm lihtsalt lรตppes. Ei, sa ei saanud midagi teha. See auto sรตitis meile lihtsalt sisse. Me ei saa teada ega valida, millal me siia saabume, ega ka seda, millal me lahkume.
Me oleme nagu tegelaskujud, kes on raamatu keskel igavesti lรตksus. Me ei tea, kuidas raamat algas vรตi kuidas see lรตpeb. Meie รผlesanne on see lihtsalt huvitavaks teha. Tuua valgust ja energiat isegi igapรคevastesse asjadesse.
Kui kรตik tundub sรผnge, vaata peeglisse. Sinuga on kรตik korras ning jah, need kortsud su naeratuses on minult.
Ma kaitsesin teid mรตlemaid selles autos. Parane nรผรผd, astu maailma ja armasta seda. Sul on vรตimalus aidata ja mรตju avaldada. Sul on vรตimalus olla lahke ja armastav, meie maailma paremaks teha.
Tulevik on viimase hetkeni meie endi teha. Nรผรผd, Number รks, on sul aeg julgelt sammuda, sest sul pole valikut kรคed rรผpes istuda, kuna sa oled minu poiss, minu unistus, ja ma lรตin su kinni haarama igast hetkest.
Pea meeles Jack Kerouaci sรตnu: me oleme โhullud, eluhullud, jutuhullud, lunastushullud, kes himustavad kรตike korraga, kes ei haiguta iialgi ega pane igapรคevast teksti, aga pรตlevad, pรตlevad, pรตlevad kui suurepรคrane kollane tulevรคrk, plahvatades รคmblikujooksul รผle tรคhtede, ja sa nรคed sinist tuuma lahvatamas ja kรตik teevad: โOoo!โโ
Inglise keelne versioon:
Pamela Luise Picard
Lost during orbit 58
Massachusetts, The United States
February 1964
Rapla County, Estonia
November 2022
A letter from me, a mother, to my son Carl and the world I left behind after a catastrophic car accident one beautiful afternoon in Estonia as I visited from America.
For all the stars, and wonders of the sky will never be enough of a measure of how I love you, my boy.
As a little girl growing up on the American coast of Rhode Island I often thought about howโd you play on these beaches. Watching my father come home from work on the Apollo missions to the moon I wondered what youโd dream. Hugging mom on her return from global trips with my bonus dad I pondered if you too would travel. When I gained a bonus mom that joined my brother, and brought me two sisters, I imagined the beautiful family youโd have.
I lived across America, and yet nowhere felt like home until I held you, your brother, and my grandchildren. You are my Number One.
When you came here to Estonia from America I felt as if my world had ruptured, broken in two. Yet, I discovered so much beauty in Estonia through you, my explorer who works in the stars.
We were so happy. I was on my way to see โmy babiesโ who, despite you believing your children, my grandchildren, are your babies, are โ in fact โ also MY babies. Iโd come to see you for Thanksgiving. On holiday from my position as a Human Resources Director at the University of Virginia.
In my time there I supported professional exchanges with Estonia, some even coming to Rapla. My career was propelling women, and the disadvantaged, further in America and globally. I served the boards of national and state organizations for professional development. Yet, amidst all of that it was volunteering that I enjoyed the most be it with refugees from Ukraine, and Afghanistan, or animals.
This year at our Rapla Thanksgiving dinner we made my epic green bean casserole, and turkey stuffing. I got to drive you crazy taking pictures of every moment. Then we saw a beautiful concert in Pรคrnu! We were returning home while I napped, and dreamt of my babies, and listened to Christmas music.
In less than a second our world simply ended. No, you couldnโt do anything. That car simply came at us. We do not get to know or choose when we arrive here, nor when we leave.
We are like characters trapped forever in the middle of the book. We donโt know how it began, nor how it will end. It is simply ours to make it interesting. To bring light, and energy, to even the mundane.
When it feels dark, look in the mirror. You are ok, and yes, those lines in your smile are from me. I protected you both in that car.
Now, recover and go out to this world, and love it. You have a choice to reach out and make an impact. You have a choice to be kind, and loving, to make our world better.
Right up until our last moment the future is ours to create. Now, Number 1, the time is yours to Boldly Go for you have no choice to sit idle, for you are my boy, my dream, and I made you to seize every moment.
Remember, we are as Jack Kerouac remarked: the mad ones, mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’
